Last night I did something I haven't for awhile, came up with a poem on the fly, just speaking it aloud as the words came to me. I'm afraid the intended recipient was half-asleep when listening, but that's alright, I don't really remember the words either. It was a poem of love and friendship; things I've had a conflicted relationship with lately. I've been through a lot of trials lately. I passed some, failed others, barely scraped by on a couple. It's all just a part of life, but it has been a particularly difficult part.
Changes, both welcome and unwelcome require adapting, and it can be a painful process, no matter what kind of change. Life still feels unnatural, awkward, in many ways. Things aren't right yet, and may not be for awhile. But I must focus on those areas which are good, which are encouraging, rather than burn myself out on those things that I cannot alter.
The truth is, in those areas I have always been steadfast, and I shall continue to be so, digging my roots in deeper to weather the storm, while at the same time adjusting how I bend with the winds so I do not snap. And I believe the best way to do that is to let the winds come to me, rather than seek them out, exposing myself to more weathering than needed.
On the other front, I'm pursuing what avenues I can. The job I applied for went with another canidate, but promised me they were very interested in hiring me for another position should it open up, which is encouraging. More importantly, the brief flirtation with a better job has inspired me to go out and try to get one again, rather than wait for graduation. I think since being let go from Wide Awake, school has taken the priority, which is good, but I shouldn't let it exclude my seeking opportunity elsewhere.
Speaking of school, I'm registering for classes today, and with any luck can take and pass enough courses to be done by the end of summer. It may take longer, especially if I am lucky enough to get a dream job elsewhere, but I aim to be done and move on with my life as soon as possible. I'm tired of seeing those things which I want drift away from me because it takes too much time, and that will have to change.
Domestically, my apartment is still really clean, which is amazing, for me. I've managed to get into the habit of keeping it that way, and making it a daily routine, rather than a yearly chore. It's a good feeling, but the work isn't done. That attitude though has begun to spread to every facet of my life, and I'm excited to get back to Missouri and take on 2008 with a renewed vigor and sense of strength.
I return in less than a week, and I'm anxious to be home. I like Idaho, and where my family is will always be a home for me, but I miss Kansas City; my friends, my families, my life. Of course I miss some things more than others, and it's always difficult to be without a part of yourself. I'll still be working on that though, even when I get back home. But it's worth it, as are all good things, and with any luck and a large bit of work, this next year will be one of renewal, and keeping dreams alive.
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